Ultimately, I needed to be told. That's what I learned about myself two weeks ago today while sitting opposite my dad in Duke of Perth. He told me that if I wanted to go to grad school I should go to grad school, in whatever field I wanted, impractical or not, and that if I came out the other end without prospects, the second round would be on me. I almost started crying all over my egg-topped burger, because this was exactly what I'd needed to hear.
And it made me realize: I've been spending my time in Chicago trying to partially undo the last twelve years of my life. How stupid could I be? Some of the things I was trying to shut down were the things I liked most about myself: Curiosity for curiosity's sake. Love of travel. Belief in the humanities and their relevance. A strong belief in the power of books.
Empathy, I was keeping, obviously. Ditto observation skills, a sense of humor, and a fondness for other people's stories. The writing, at least, was coming back (thanks to an intensely absorbing Letter Game with K). For the rest, it's as if those well-loved and expertly deployed self-analysis skills I've been gradually developing were worthless. I really couldn't believe I'd allowed myself to fool myself so thoroughly into believing this was the way I should be.
It's not that the past two (four, if I'm honest) years get to just vanish and I get to go back to my English PhD plans. Those, I think, are gone for good. It's that I am no longer actively (if unwittingly) engaged in self-sabotage, and that feels good.
And this whole business has taught me something else, too. I may feel independent, and I may have always felt that way, in this realm. I may have struggled in my early college days to reconcile my roommates' need to appease their parents with my (limited, culturally biased) view of adulthood and how adults make choices. I may have a strong sense of self. All of that may be true; I will still need approval.
So let it be known: the summer of 2014 will be the summer before grad school. I've written it down now, so here we go.
